The hill I will die on: PDAs on the morning commute are never acceptable | Michael Akadiri

First and foremost, let me say: I love love. I’m in love – I’m happily married with two boys. I’m surrounded by love, because most of my friends and family are in long-term relationships and have kids of their own. Heck, I even love it when strangers find love. Since its inception, I have watched every episode of Pop the Balloon or Find Love – a US reality dating show hosted by Arlette Amuli. While it’s entertaining observing how treacherous the dating market is, I’m more thrilled when two people match and commence their own love journey.

However, for all my appreciation of love, public displays of affection (PDAs) on the morning commute should be punishable by prison. I’m talking hugging, kissing, even sitting on each other’s laps – all of the above are abominable to watch. In my dictatorship, those who committed such crimes would be locked up without due process. The British tonguing police (BTP) would ensure that perpetrators were swiftly caught. They would not pass go, they would not collect £200. They would go directly to jail.

Don’t get me wrong: I understand indulging in a little affection in the evenings and on weekends after a night out. You’ve had a few drinks, you’re feeling uninhibited, and that may manifest in an embrace and a kiss on your bus or train journey home. I get it. I love love. If it doesn’t become a show – do your thing. But what’s the excuse for feeling randy at eight o’clock on a Tuesday morning?

Nothing should arouse you at that time. If anything, if you are stimulated, work is the last place you should be heading. I don’t see how you can be productive under the influence of excessive titillation. That sort of behaviour should be viewed in the same light as drink and drugs: stay home, relieve yourself fully from its effects and then, only once you’ve recovered, return to work. That’s one way to spare us from your early morning lip-locking.

I’m telling you, I’m happy for you: love who you love. Just don’t love them in my face first thing in the morning, abeg.